music, opinion and technology

brain on the table

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No further news on the MS front. I’ve read that I do have to be careful about heat, which could make me more tired than normal. The thing is: I’ve had it for at least a year, and the Dubai heat didn’t bother me much when I last visited, in July 2004. Though we weren’t outside very much, I remember I was less bothered about it than my host was. It didn’t feel as bad as e.g. London in summer, or Toronto when I visited it in May 2001. It seemed to be an “honest heat” – it suited the time and place, and I was prepared for it.

I have a growing suspicion that I’ve had MS in a slowly progressive form for a very long time – like, 20+ years! I had a couple of strange things happen in my teens, which makes me wonder – such as the stuttering, and I had bouts of “restless leg syndrome” (as I know it’s called now).

I want to ask people: have you ever found yourself wondering “what’s wrong with him?” or “why does he do things so differently?” I have, and I don’t get insulted by such questions as long as they’re the start of a discussion, not an opportunity for an insult. I’m a music geek and a computer geek, and am starting to become a MS geek, and I’m learning that MS can have subtle effects that can be misread, even by the person with MS, never mind other people. So if it sheds some light about what’s happening in my head, it’s on the table for discussion. (I’m not a “vitalist”, I don’t believe there’s anything supernatural about me, anything taboo, ineffable, or inviolate.) On the other hand, I can understand that that might make people uncomfortable.

I’ve been wondering whether my brain’s been rewiring itself, slowly, with some subtle effects on my personality. I know some people find it difficult to deal with me, some things I say or do are beyond what they would think of. Like, my attitude towards women, and how it only takes a few minutes around me before they start looking for the door – I come across as too intense, sometimes. I don’t do enough of the bowing and scraping; it’s as if they are used to guys who are aggressive and hormonally-driven, and can’t handle someone who thinks before he speaks, and challenges their most basic assumptions about what they expect, what they do and why they do it. It’s hard to “go with the flow” when you’re grounded on the rocks of reality. (Pretentious? Moi?)


Written by brian t

February 9, 2006 at 4:51 pm

Posted in multiple sclerosis

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